ash in my phases

•July 15, 2008 • 1 Comment

Last week I was cleaning, sorting, moving from room to room. I think I almost touched every piece of paper I own to see if I needed it. Most I kept but the highlight of the sorting was going through a whole mother load of photos. I found so many great photos but as my good friend jadey posted a homage to herself through the ages. I thought I would post it over here on the blog. so enjoy!

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not so sour

•July 9, 2008 • Leave a Comment

So the day wafted forth a little bit less sour. Last night had been made so much better by the band the perrytree they made me chuckle and also swim in my awe of their greatness. With the new album title “Aaron from the Torah!” they made me realize some times amazing things just explode into your life. The perrytree are a lofi art rock duo that can do no wrong. Go download their album for free. And fall in love.
Other amazing things popped out of the woodwork creative people just rock my world and what would I do without their love and light to bring a broader picture to the world.
What would we do without art? Would be pretty dull place if ya ask me. My friend jadey has been a great help. I thank her amazing self for dealing with me on my simmering raw ride into a brighter day. What would a recluse do without such great friends? I’ll leave you today with a song by my good friends jade (not to be confused with the above mentioned jadey.) and Steve who make up a group I call “wasted octopus”. So enjoy the sunshine and be kind to yourselves. You only get one shot at life make the most of it. (Can ya tell I just watched fame?)

•July 8, 2008 • Leave a Comment

inconsolable3

•July 7, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I want to be alone.
I just got a new flat mate the other day but I am seriously considering getting him to move out because I cant have anybody bear witness to the pain I am feeling now. I guess you would call me a proud person I don’t like people to see me weep unless I am really close to them. I thought I was strong again, after one of the darkest months of my life. But here I am again sinking deeper. I don’t know how to lift this weight that ties me to my bed. How do I stop this crippling fear of everything. I can smell the decay of my mind as it slowly seeps away from me. I want to hate everyone and everything but I am to afraid of what you might say.
As I sit in this darkened room I try to think of better times but again and again I am slapped with my memories of betrayal, pain and mistakes
Please make it stop

inconsolable

•July 7, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I am up and down like and elevator but I think the elevator is in a mineshaft cause when I drop. I drop in a big way.
Today I awoke around noon my usual time for waking. I had candy colored dreams of going to the post office in the sunshine that was the early afternoon. I was going to send rays of sunshine to some of my friends in North America in the shape of care packages. Things to brighten up ones summer even more.
Then it happened mim called she told me she wanted to see me to talk about rent stuff. I was like all cool. Then some how my topic got onto my work and how I didn’t want to work there any more until they paid me for the last 5 months I had worked there. I am very shitty about this situation because basically that money would have me in Europe now kicking it with my friends. Instead I plod along saving shitty amounts. It is probably all my fault as I find it very hard to ring anybody especially if it means I have to confront them. I think I am meant to work there tomorrow but I am not sure. I feel taken advantage of for ever working for them.
So the day turned dark and I never left my room again. I sobbed for hours at my inability to get myself out of this mess. I am a complete emotional retard watching footloose to stop myself from doing something stupid to myself

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“Very hot. Drugs may have looped him out a bit though”

•May 5, 2008 • Leave a Comment

So I get this anonymous comment today on facebook. I have a little box on my profile people can leave comments and I will only know if the male or female. So the winner for double edge comment of the year so far goes to a lady who wrote. “Very hot. Drugs may have looped him out a bit though”

so what is she trying to say? Well I not sure we will ever know for certain. It starts out well, but I must question her sanity already to think I am hot. So then we go to the looped out by drugs comment. It is true I was a drug addict yes but in that same breath I have been off hard drugs now for ten years and my life has blossomed into the life I know and love now. I also have had loopy moments but we all have looped out times. Some of the most straight edge people I know are so looped, off the cuff and clown like it is not funny. She may feel that the drugs have pushed me over the edge or maybe she think I am downright mad.

I will admit this comment made giggle. So if that was intention awesome, but it also made me ponder. how do people really see us? Especially on websites where you have a span of friends that knew you back then. But do they know you now?
I will keep pondering have a great day.
Ash…

a walk and a meeting

•May 2, 2008 • Leave a Comment

So now my belly is full of dumplings. I walked forth from the house so my body could finally feel the warmth of the sun. A mission to walk my wild thoughts into perspective. I listen to some 80’s tunes to sooth moi. (Sunglasses at night by Corey heart and don’t stop till you get enough by MJ.) I was headed to the Asian grocer for supplies of the very yummy kind.
Back writing exactly 24 hours later. The end to the above story was I went to go urinate at the shopping center and as I was trying the exit the debacle of a shopping area I ran into a slightly off kilter guy I have know from around for years I took my ear phones out and said “hi” he blurts the reply “you know I believe in the lord now but I have been having this chronic diarrhea problem every second day. In a couple of months I gunna have to get a tube up my back passage I am not looking forward to that.” I said “that’s no good mate.” He asked me what I was doing and I told him and he said cool and I shook his hand and said see you around. I wondered if the lord had caused the diarrhea, as he had not paused between each statement. I held my tongue and was gone walking home with vigor.