i going to be a dad

So I am going to be a father, which is great news, but my story today concerns what happened when I told my mum this news.
So I am on a train with my mum on our way to my aunty Val’s 69th birthday. I am quite a private person when it comes to my family. I consider my private life my personal business and none of their concern but this was a little bigger news and would impact on my mother’s life in a good way or so I thought. So I pluck up the courage to tell her “jade is pregnant.” She scrunches up her nose and sighs and asks me what am I going to do about it. Like she wants me to get rid of it or something. I tell her calmly “ I am going to be a father.” Then she starts going on about my sister and how she is preparing to have a child as if to avoid my statement. She has no excitement about what I said at all. This is such a slap in the face to me from a woman that walked out of my life when I was six and never gave me any encouragement in my life to pursue the things I love. My mum is cut off in the inky blackness.
I am not sure how to deal with this. Obviously she has a lot of guilt over abandoning all three of her children. With me she left when I was six to live with her boyfriend leaving me in the clutches of my father who turned out to be a sexual predator and cold and icy with no love for me the burden left on him.
After I had left the party to head up the mountains home she exclaimed to my sister. “I don’t know why you love me.”
Now this is an interesting statement. When I tell people the story of my parents they are amazed at the selfish behaviour on my mums part and the sheer evil of my father. I think my love for my mom is not one of motherly love it is really a love of friendship that we discovered much later. My mother never talks of the past, never quips of her childhood. we only ever talk of the present and politics and local issues in our area. It as if the past never existed and we are living in a vacuum.
So I am not sure whether my mother wants to be part of my child’s life at all. I feel cold and alone like I have been abandoned again to deal with my life. I have always had to make my own paths before with much help from my family of friends so I guess me and jade will make our way through this and  I hope my mum will get some help to deal with all her guilt because I know that she has made many bad choices in her life but I also know that deep down in her disconnected self she is a good person.

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~ by abagash on February 3, 2009.

4 Responses to “i going to be a dad”

  1. Congratulations on the impending fatherhood!

  2. Congratulations again, that makes me so sad for you because it’s a joyous event. You know, you becoming a father and all. I’m sorry it turned out that way, but just know there are people out there that care and are happy and generally excited for you. Just so you know, I love you man. You’re a good guy and things are just getting better for you.

    Love,
    E

  3. Ash, I cant talk about your mother, but I know that YOU are a good person, and thats all Jade and your baby need. Youre going to be a GREAT father. I know that for sure!

    Miss our chats, mate!
    Much love from your brazilian friend.
    Debora

  4. just reading all ur blogs n catching up on everything, lost all my links i did in that re formatting dance ya have to do now n then with silly plastic boxes.
    Parents are an odd bread u will soon learn this, we do things we think is right at the time, even when we know its all gone wrong… the difference i think is that we remember the pain our parents mistakes cost us…i for one will acknowledge my many many parenting fook ups, if ive lost my temper cuz ive got so sick ov saying the same thing to the lad over n over again, cuz ive been too tired to think straight, the fundamental difference is that i apologise to my boy n in a calmer way i explain how his behaviour impacts on mine…. i dont ever remember getting an apology or an explanation off my olds ever !!! so saying all that we are wat we are and we are always made up ov the things we have lived through and survived, it just makes us stronger in many ways… u n Jade have found each other n have created a life, how amazing is that……i wish u both joy n happiness n a deep pool ov love an patience for the coming journey xxx love n hugs me darlings xxxjd

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