The selfish

•June 11, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I seem to have such a great influx of amazing around me and there is bound to be some down sides. One of these that is rearing its head at the moment is of the selfish teenage kind. Where if you share with them that you are upset about a situation. They starkly reply that you should not be upset cause they are not. I am not sure where the logic is in that. The stupidity that everyone feels the same about an event is so farcical. Now I know teenagers aren’t wired quite right as their brains develop and their reasoning skills are all in the testing phase. But how can someone get it all so wrong and do they see they are wrong, but cant admit it for fear they may be mortal and fallible.

I am not sure this is really hatred even though it pulses through me on occasion when people pretend to listen to your wishes and agree but really have no intention of carrying anything out. I think this is a plea to understand for in my world people stick to their word because they have honour and they respect the people they have made a bond with. Maybe it is all about respect something as base as you can’t respect adults cause it’s not cool. Like the crazy thing I found out the other day. That its not cool to eat lunch at high school. That is just stupidity to me but I do understand rebellion and the will to define one self as an individual. I see the benefit of people growing and testing who they are but when that impacts on a whole family and their home and you expect people to just chill out because your cool with it, thats just selfish.

If I could go back I am sure I would change the way I acted to others but when I was the age of the teenagers in question I was just happy to have a roof over my head. I was a clown locked in a vacancy looking for people to love but finding only emptiness for so long. It is hard to compare us at all. I do understand being a teen can be hard.

My plea to teenagers
Please think about people around you affected by your actions and less about your facebook status.

I am the tiger’s eye.

•August 20, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I am the tiger’s eye.

It takes so long to forget the past and a lifetime to contemplate the future. Life sometimes feels so pointless just a cavalcade of disappointments. If you pick over the bones of your past you will find many hidden gems. Many would advise against this as it might bring about self-awareness and sadness for the mistakes and losses that have befallen you.

With the swivel of ones head, One sees that not knowing of the future is what will keep us on our toes or will knock us on our arses. If we knew the terror, the grotesque nature of our future would we go on?

But really at this point I am quite happy with both my past, present and future.

Sure there has been sadness, loss and betrayal in my past but whether self made or thrust upon me it has all seemed to conspire to make me who I am today.

The future seems it will be so dandy and well-lit one must wear tinted spectacles.

Which door will you choose?

i going to be a dad

•February 3, 2009 • 4 Comments

So I am going to be a father, which is great news, but my story today concerns what happened when I told my mum this news.
So I am on a train with my mum on our way to my aunty Val’s 69th birthday. I am quite a private person when it comes to my family. I consider my private life my personal business and none of their concern but this was a little bigger news and would impact on my mother’s life in a good way or so I thought. So I pluck up the courage to tell her “jade is pregnant.” She scrunches up her nose and sighs and asks me what am I going to do about it. Like she wants me to get rid of it or something. I tell her calmly “ I am going to be a father.” Then she starts going on about my sister and how she is preparing to have a child as if to avoid my statement. She has no excitement about what I said at all. This is such a slap in the face to me from a woman that walked out of my life when I was six and never gave me any encouragement in my life to pursue the things I love. My mum is cut off in the inky blackness.
I am not sure how to deal with this. Obviously she has a lot of guilt over abandoning all three of her children. With me she left when I was six to live with her boyfriend leaving me in the clutches of my father who turned out to be a sexual predator and cold and icy with no love for me the burden left on him.
After I had left the party to head up the mountains home she exclaimed to my sister. “I don’t know why you love me.”
Now this is an interesting statement. When I tell people the story of my parents they are amazed at the selfish behaviour on my mums part and the sheer evil of my father. I think my love for my mom is not one of motherly love it is really a love of friendship that we discovered much later. My mother never talks of the past, never quips of her childhood. we only ever talk of the present and politics and local issues in our area. It as if the past never existed and we are living in a vacuum.
So I am not sure whether my mother wants to be part of my child’s life at all. I feel cold and alone like I have been abandoned again to deal with my life. I have always had to make my own paths before with much help from my family of friends so I guess me and jade will make our way through this and  I hope my mum will get some help to deal with all her guilt because I know that she has made many bad choices in her life but I also know that deep down in her disconnected self she is a good person.

untitled 543

•November 1, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I am on the train again going south I have been doing this journey quite a bit whisking myself out of my dieing working class town into the mountains where things seem alive for me at the moment. The love flows like a warm sticky mass of good juju through us encircling us with its tendrils. We are quite powerless to stop this love. I am flying and diving toward the ground with no fear. The warmth will cushion my fall like a warm updraft before I should be a sticky array of bones, blood and flesh in a splattered mess.
I am working hard on making films with young people. Things are progressing well and we should make some grand advances on the film for council, which is almost finished. Yesterday I started planning a classic style slasher film with some young people the average age was 13. Cool as fuck they are a great bunch of youngins and I am sure are destined for greatness.
The sky has turned orange and I wish days where longer and I could hold you all closer. I want this all to last forever but feel strangely melancholy like one day we will all die and it will end so suddenly. So I guess the thing for me at the moment it is about making the most of it. Life that is.

1.    Love
2.    Make and enjoy films
3.    Appreciate the amazing people around you
4.    Become my own self help guru
5.    wtf

•October 17, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Oh my phlegm abounds in spades cascading from me as if I was a fountain in disrepair. I have not written in this style for a few months. Time has been ticking for my typing fingers grown brittle and weak.

Life has been amazing at the moment the spring is leaving flowers at my door in large heaps. I seem to have been given a job, a job I sort of fell into through my passions like Alice and the rabbit hole. It is a strange landscape of smiling jovial people.

My heart grows warm and my strength is renewed when I think of the lady of my heart.  How does one express the glowing radiance that is us our hearts locked, breath shared and sheathed in a film of red light.  I love our journeys into each other’s minds digging for how the hell we got here. I love her and all her adornments.

Life is truly dandy and I will try to write again soon.

•July 20, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I have been lying down so much of late. I kinda which my sides would grow legs and I could slink around the house.
I really need to get out and walk in the sunshine, take photos and finish thing I started long ago.
I had a great meeting with my boss on Friday. They agreed to pay me the money they owe me, which I am stoked about.
Lots of my days are spent living virtually whether just typing to friends on IM or talking on stickam or blogging or hanging in virtual worlds.
I need to get out more even if it is just to have new stories for this blog or photos

climate change action

•July 16, 2008 • Leave a Comment

climate camp newcastle 2008
So what does one do to stop carbon emissions? Turn off the light, drive less, think about using the “other nuclear” solar or maybe just maybe stop a train carrying 20 thousands tons of coal. Well just this weekend gone I attended the climate camp action to stop trains carrying coal into the largest coal exporting port in the world.
This action was the culmination of a week of workshops held about the environment with many workshops talking about the effects of coal globally and also locally in my hometown of Newcastle.
climate camp newcastle 2008
It all started with much color marching from Islington Park to the Carrington coal loader. There were an amazing number of cops present (I was later to find out there was 160 including mounted and riot squads) they approached me in the park worried about the metal brace I had strapped to my arm to aid me in keeping my video camera steady. I explained and they fucked off back to their line. The march began and the color and the spirits where high. I read in the Newcastle herald the next day that the drums were menacing I am not sure were what fucking planet that reporter was from she also claimed it all went sour when people sat down in front of police. What really happened was people sat down for a five-minute silence to reflect and lament about the place our planet is in at the moment. I dare to say the reporter was never at the rally.
climate camp newcastle 2008
Then it was on. time for direct action I am not sure there was any need because the police had already occupied the rail corridor making sure there where no trains coming and going. Just one solitary 40-carriage coal train stood there laden with coal. The target was set and many people scaled fences to get to it. Some to lock on some to stand on the trucks and shovel the coal out with their bare hands.
It was a great day, a great out come. The coal industry and the government put on notice that people are not going to sit idly by and watch our planet die for corporate greed when we can use our brains and our technology to come up with alternatives that could save our civilization.
climate camp newcastle 2008