I want to be alone.
I just got a new flat mate the other day but I am seriously considering getting him to move out because I cant have anybody bear witness to the pain I am feeling now. I guess you would call me a proud person I don’t like people to see me weep unless I am really close to them. I thought I was strong again, after one of the darkest months of my life. But here I am again sinking deeper. I don’t know how to lift this weight that ties me to my bed. How do I stop this crippling fear of everything. I can smell the decay of my mind as it slowly seeps away from me. I want to hate everyone and everything but I am to afraid of what you might say.
As I sit in this darkened room I try to think of better times but again and again I am slapped with my memories of betrayal, pain and mistakes
Please make it stop

inconsolable

I am up and down like and elevator but I think the elevator is in a mineshaft cause when I drop. I drop in a big way.
Today I awoke around noon my usual time for waking. I had candy colored dreams of going to the post office in the sunshine that was the early afternoon. I was going to send rays of sunshine to some of my friends in North America in the shape of care packages. Things to brighten up ones summer even more.
Then it happened mim called she told me she wanted to see me to talk about rent stuff. I was like all cool. Then some how my topic got onto my work and how I didn’t want to work there any more until they paid me for the last 5 months I had worked there. I am very shitty about this situation because basically that money would have me in Europe now kicking it with my friends. Instead I plod along saving shitty amounts. It is probably all my fault as I find it very hard to ring anybody especially if it means I have to confront them. I think I am meant to work there tomorrow but I am not sure. I feel taken advantage of for ever working for them.
So the day turned dark and I never left my room again. I sobbed for hours at my inability to get myself out of this mess. I am a complete emotional retard watching footloose to stop myself from doing something stupid to myself

“Very hot. Drugs may have looped him out a bit though”

So I get this anonymous comment today on facebook. I have a little box on my profile people can leave comments and I will only know if the male or female. So the winner for double edge comment of the year so far goes to a lady who wrote. “Very hot. Drugs may have looped him out a bit though”

so what is she trying to say? Well I not sure we will ever know for certain. It starts out well, but I must question her sanity already to think I am hot. So then we go to the looped out by drugs comment. It is true I was a drug addict yes but in that same breath I have been off hard drugs now for ten years and my life has blossomed into the life I know and love now. I also have had loopy moments but we all have looped out times. Some of the most straight edge people I know are so looped, off the cuff and clown like it is not funny. She may feel that the drugs have pushed me over the edge or maybe she think I am downright mad.

I will admit this comment made giggle. So if that was intention awesome, but it also made me ponder. how do people really see us? Especially on websites where you have a span of friends that knew you back then. But do they know you now?
I will keep pondering have a great day.
Ash…

a walk and a meeting

So now my belly is full of dumplings. I walked forth from the house so my body could finally feel the warmth of the sun. A mission to walk my wild thoughts into perspective. I listen to some 80’s tunes to sooth moi. (Sunglasses at night by Corey heart and don’t stop till you get enough by MJ.) I was headed to the Asian grocer for supplies of the very yummy kind.
Back writing exactly 24 hours later. The end to the above story was I went to go urinate at the shopping center and as I was trying the exit the debacle of a shopping area I ran into a slightly off kilter guy I have know from around for years I took my ear phones out and said “hi” he blurts the reply “you know I believe in the lord now but I have been having this chronic diarrhea problem every second day. In a couple of months I gunna have to get a tube up my back passage I am not looking forward to that.” I said “that’s no good mate.” He asked me what I was doing and I told him and he said cool and I shook his hand and said see you around. I wondered if the lord had caused the diarrhea, as he had not paused between each statement. I held my tongue and was gone walking home with vigor.

message to myself but also you

The world seems to be in a constant state of flux. Sometimes I sit and watch the turmoil and comment other times I am dragged into my own personal turmoil. Thats where I am now a mess, I am overcome with the sickly sent of betrayal. I sit fearful of the changes I now have to make in my life. I know I must own this change now even though I didn’t choose it.
I think deep down I knew it couldn’t stay the way it was. We were but friends in a constant slumber party. Now that can work for a time but the no intimacy brick wall we where bound to run into. I am full of desire and now I know you are full of desire just not for me. I feel like a child who has been rejected by their best friend. I know it is not like that and we will remain friends for along time to come. It is hard not to feel irrational and hurt.
I was soaring and life was good now I just want to curl into a ball and die. I am trying to fight this urge. I am working on ways to keep my mind busy and I hope my brain and heart will right themselves soon.

List of things to do
1. Reconfigure life

what to write for you

What to write for you?
About the ascent and the fall the loss and the searching.
Where do I fit in now?
Trashy weekend and the gals
•    The girl that lent on me for two hours at bar open with limited interaction and then turned when she was leaving to make me put her number in my phone. If I promised to call her the next day. She had just finished her second bottle of champagne late in the night. (Made Austria video launch night Thursday 3rd of April 2008)
•    On the Friday I hang out with the nuke arse crew.  Anji, Anna, philthy, killer, texta, Lou, penny, shab and Eva. We drank wine ate awesome dhal and chatted. We decide to hit a bar at about two (old bar a rock and punk pub on Johnston st) we sank Smokey getting more drunk and laughing. As we were leaving I waited for the posse on the street listening to the klf on Eva’s headphones a pretty gothic looking girl with an a amazing quiff punch me in the ribs and told me she liked my work. I work was she speaking of or was it just my individual look. I smiled and thanked her as she disappeared into the crowd of the pavement.
•    The rest of the weekend will be censored due to legal advice but it did contain lots of talking laughing and the making of a stop motion film with Anna and Eva.
Not sure weather to make this submission quirky or a true raw as hell bearing of the soul. Will put pen to paper after I settle back at home.

goodbye my muse

this a video i made for a woman i love and respect so much. it breaks my heart that we will not be a team any more. we have laughed and cried and supported each other through thick and thin. i will miss her closeness and her kind ears. i am sure we will remain friends for a long time to come. alas it is the end of an amazing era for me.
thank you mimi and goodbye my muse.

a bloody big day

So here I lay with my puffy eyes sort of numb from the past couple of days. It is a mixture of highs and lows like any day is but Thursday was especially extreme.
So the sun starts to rise and I am lying on the couch trying to encode files so I can burn a DVD of the short film I just finished. There was a slight urgency in the air as there was a deadline (midday) to send it off to a film awards. So I was cutting it very fine. I was haggard from days of editing and no sleep and I was a little hung over from the celebration I had the night before at the pub. So the encoding is not going well either it makes the film jerky or if the encode does look good it will not work with my DVD encoding software. The sent of defeat is starting to waft in the air.
I talk to Mimi as she goes off to work about the problem she helps me view it in a new light and by ten o’clock things are on the right path it would seem. Time passes I wait finally I view the film “ok looks hot”. I try to import and the video file it is NTSC and I cant import into my pal project. Shit it is quarter to eleven so I re jig the encoding program and poof there we have it after half an hour a usable file. Yay I burn one off with glee it works. I try to burn another before the clients arrive at 12. I start to get a media errors, like the disks I am using are fucked. I try many disks on the spool to no avail.  I restart the computer just incase it need to be reset but no dice. By this time the clients are sitting in the lounge watching the film and I am still fumbling trying to get this second burn to work. It is dire and I am single minded in my attempts to make it work. Then an old friend of mine comes in demanding files because I had helped her with a backup a few weeks earlier she sees the people in the lounge I explain to her what we are doing. But she persists and pleads she needs the files there and then I say I can’t do it now wait a few minutes. Shit another disk fails. I am starting to lose it. She starts in to a story about how she is moving soon and some one needs the car and it all so urgent. Basically she makes herself like a fucking asshole in front of my clients. I break the disk SNAP it shatters. She won’t stop whining finally I have to say to her in a raised tone. “I am with a client k!” (Name omitted due to legal advice).
Finally she leaves and I apologize to the client. I reach for another spool of DVDs and as if by magic it works. I have passed. the job is done and the client is happy but I am quite pissed off with my friend for making me look like a dick when I was finishing a job.
I got a call in all that madness that my new Mac had arrived at the local Mac store. So I hobble up to store getting coffee on the way to spur me on. I get home and wig out in geek bliss about this new item of glory. I get online and type wearily to friends about the day lulling in and out of consciousness. Quite happy that it is all done and I have survived.
So then Mimi gets home and she has been quite stressed I had built a camp out of cushions and a mattress under the trees out the back so we could lie there together when she got home. I wanted to help her chill out and I had felt a little distant during the edit.
So where there lying reading listening to jazz (bill Evans) on the new computer. I am completely blissed out. She asks me about the conquests of the day. I tell her and feel all the better that it is over. Then it happens she drops the bomb.
She speaks to me about how she thinks it is over between us and how we have to break up so she does not end up resenting me. I sit quite gob smacked and inner panic starts to roll. Thoughts of how, where, when and why engulf me. She talks of how much she loves and respects me but it is over. I feel it had been in the mail for a few years but our bond as partners in crime had kept us locked together supporting each other and giggling all they way through. It had been amazing and I had imagined it going on much longer. It ended so peacefully no shouting, no bickering just an understanding that showed how we worked together at our best.
So finally I fell asleep on my couch to dream and process what the fuck just happened I was now a film maker and single…

the ruff cut

My deadline for the ruff cut (for a short doco i am making on youth a psychosis and the hope there after.) is almost upon me and what do i do i procrastinate like a mother bitch. Gee i have some skills in this area checking emails, replying and making comments on you tube, hanging out on stickam all hopped up on coffee at all hours of the morning and writing and edit blog entries on my blog.

It is not like i don’t want to finish this project. I think it has become ever so daunting for one writer, editor, director, producer to deal with but alas enough of ones bitching i will soldier on.

please pray to zombie jesus for me.

ash.

p.s below you will find a video i made in this procrastination land.