Horse and carp

Rainy day sun

abagash — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 07:30:45 +0000

The day rolled on sleepily this morning as the mist and rain rolled in. we chatted about the future and where we would like to live opening our hearts and minds and dreaming lofty dreams of beach hideaways in little hamlets on the south coast of NSW. Jade needs a change and I am with her all the way. She has lived in these mountains to long and retarded people don’t help make the place awe inspiring. (When I use the term retarded I use it to reference stilted people who hold on to hatred and are quite sick in their brain holes. I do not use the term to mean the old definition of spastic or challenged people, as they seem to be called now.)

So through all this thinking I thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house and weather the rain and see all that is green around us. We head down the road the windows misting up to find outpost of beauty on the cliff edges of our ridge top. Our first port of call we could not make it all the way to the cliff edge with our boy, as he would have to exit the bubble that is his pram. But we could hear the thunderous roar of water falling across the valley. As the rain started to subside we drove to find the falls. We trekked down and waterlogged track me carrying Charlie and at last we found it Shangri-La. (see photos below)

Life is good and I will try to write more.

The selfish

abagash — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 06:46:06 +0000

I seem to have such a great influx of amazing around me and there is bound to be some down sides. One of these that is rearing its head at the moment is of the selfish teenage kind. Where if you share with them that you are upset about a situation. They starkly reply that you should not be upset cause they are not. I am not sure where the logic is in that. The stupidity that everyone feels the same about an event is so farcical. Now I know teenagers aren’t wired quite right as their brains develop and their reasoning skills are all in the testing phase. But how can someone get it all so wrong and do they see they are wrong, but cant admit it for fear they may be mortal and fallible.

I am not sure this is really hatred even though it pulses through me on occasion when people pretend to listen to your wishes and agree but really have no intention of carrying anything out. I think this is a plea to understand for in my world people stick to their word because they have honour and they respect the people they have made a bond with. Maybe it is all about respect something as base as you can’t respect adults cause it’s not cool. Like the crazy thing I found out the other day. That its not cool to eat lunch at high school. That is just stupidity to me but I do understand rebellion and the will to define one self as an individual. I see the benefit of people growing and testing who they are but when that impacts on a whole family and their home and you expect people to just chill out because your cool with it, thats just selfish.

If I could go back I am sure I would change the way I acted to others but when I was the age of the teenagers in question I was just happy to have a roof over my head. I was a clown locked in a vacancy looking for people to love but finding only emptiness for so long. It is hard to compare us at all. I do understand being a teen can be hard.

My plea to teenagers
Please think about people around you affected by your actions and less about your facebook status.

Can you do me a favour

abagash — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 04:38:12 +0000

I am quite unwell in my brain hole at the moment. The world appears dark and dank. I almost feel guilty for feeling happy with who I am and my ever growing family. But there are times when I feel so powerless to the injustices of this world.

My dark clouds.

The flotilla of boats packed with activist trying to bring aid to the Israeli embargoed Palestine, stormed in international waters by Israeli commandos. At this time it would seem that there are at least ten activist dead and wide spread condemnation of Israel by many international governments. But with the Israeli government completely standing behind their actions that are tantamount to piracy and murder when will we see justice for these killings?

The oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, (32 days and counting it has been gushing) The lameness of BP (British petroleum) and governments to contain such a leak. Off shore oil drilling has been around since 1887 so you think they may have had enough time to work out the bugs but no it would seem not. We have such a great dependence on oil but it could also kill off are wellbeing and all other resources in the water and on the shore.

I was watching four corners last night about South Africa and the treatment of women and girls there. The documentary was so grim I could not watch it all. It followed young girls and the reporting of the abuses of them. It is very freaky when you start blaming a nine year old for apparently asking to be raped at the hands of much older men. but that’s what members of the community were claiming. Startling figures slapped me about the head that one in two girls gets raped but only one in three girls will graduate high school.

Al this happening while the PR machines march on to tell us it is all alright. The Israeli government saying its troops where defending themselves from people unarmed with guns I guess they are used to this defence when they defend shooting kids throwing rocks at their troops. BP say it wont be until august now when will see an end to the gushing oil in the gulf but apparently they have it all under control and always have. South Africa readying it self for the world cup trying to sell it self all happy and new, when most SA fans cant afford to get to a match and so much healing and injustice to right in the country still.

I know I should just focus on my little boy and my wonderful wife and the rest of the kids. But I seem to be weighed down by all this crazy caca and the weight of the lies that surround them. Corporations and politicians are all unbelievable scum. Only a few rays of light break my gloom with their truth and love.

Step up human race and be accountable for all you created and destroyed even if it just a favour for me please….

I am the tiger’s eye.

abagash — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 02:11:55 +0000

I am the tiger’s eye.

It takes so long to forget the past and a lifetime to contemplate the future. Life sometimes feels so pointless just a cavalcade of disappointments. If you pick over the bones of your past you will find many hidden gems. Many would advise against this as it might bring about self-awareness and sadness for the mistakes and losses that have befallen you.

With the swivel of ones head, One sees that not knowing of the future is what will keep us on our toes or will knock us on our arses. If we knew the terror, the grotesque nature of our future would we go on?

But really at this point I am quite happy with both my past, present and future.

Sure there has been sadness, loss and betrayal in my past but whether self made or thrust upon me it has all seemed to conspire to make me who I am today.

The future seems it will be so dandy and well-lit one must wear tinted spectacles.

anniversary #1

abagash — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 01:37:22 +0000

What a year it seems like it has contained many decades. It is our anniversary today or kind of was yesterday but I started writing this at springwood as I travel toward you. I am so much in love with you. I am listening to “I’ve never been to me.” (Charlene circa 1976) It makes me think of the time we spent huddled together on central station your hand swelling and our hearts swelling, intertwined and giggling.

We are amazing, well particularly you. You have a great strength and such a loving nature that you make me melt like the proverbial icy pole on the hot summer concrete of my passion for you.

We have learnt so much about each other and it makes my so at home in your arms and your heart. Please never stop being amazing

Your loving man

Ash the dandy pashy my lassie

update 84332347

abagash — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 06:52:44 +0000

Here I am in the mountains filling my belly with beans and wine. A deadly burst I am sure will be ensuing. I am warm and well loved listening to the john Spencer blues explosion (orange – 1994). Well now the scene is painted as to where I write from, lets get down to brass tacks.
Where the fuck have I been?
Life has been quite hectic being evicted twice in four months. Which is BALLS I wrote a rant a bit about it on the “We love hate” blog so I wont go on about it much. It is done now so it is all water under the bridge. The hope is life will be more stable and fruitful.
I have the love of a loveliest woman in the world. I sure some many may contest this but until you have met this fine woman you are not equipped to argue my point. Assure you (with my best used car sales man grin) she is all THAT.

Impending fatherhood is exciting and slightly scary. I start birthing classes next week. I am sure it will be like baby boot camp. Drill sergeant and all unfortunately it is not a hospital where nuns bark orders but I can dream cant I?

I have been working with my pals dactyl spondee on a new web series check the test scene below.

And here is some of my rambling about going offline for a little while.

Much love
Ash….

i going to be a dad

abagash — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:14:25 +0000

So I am going to be a father, which is great news, but my story today concerns what happened when I told my mum this news.
So I am on a train with my mum on our way to my aunty Val’s 69th birthday. I am quite a private person when it comes to my family. I consider my private life my personal business and none of their concern but this was a little bigger news and would impact on my mother’s life in a good way or so I thought. So I pluck up the courage to tell her “jade is pregnant.” She scrunches up her nose and sighs and asks me what am I going to do about it. Like she wants me to get rid of it or something. I tell her calmly “ I am going to be a father.” Then she starts going on about my sister and how she is preparing to have a child as if to avoid my statement. She has no excitement about what I said at all. This is such a slap in the face to me from a woman that walked out of my life when I was six and never gave me any encouragement in my life to pursue the things I love. My mum is cut off in the inky blackness.
I am not sure how to deal with this. Obviously she has a lot of guilt over abandoning all three of her children. With me she left when I was six to live with her boyfriend leaving me in the clutches of my father who turned out to be a sexual predator and cold and icy with no love for me the burden left on him.
After I had left the party to head up the mountains home she exclaimed to my sister. “I don’t know why you love me.”
Now this is an interesting statement. When I tell people the story of my parents they are amazed at the selfish behaviour on my mums part and the sheer evil of my father. I think my love for my mom is not one of motherly love it is really a love of friendship that we discovered much later. My mother never talks of the past, never quips of her childhood. we only ever talk of the present and politics and local issues in our area. It as if the past never existed and we are living in a vacuum.
So I am not sure whether my mother wants to be part of my child’s life at all. I feel cold and alone like I have been abandoned again to deal with my life. I have always had to make my own paths before with much help from my family of friends so I guess me and jade will make our way through this and I hope my mum will get some help to deal with all her guilt because I know that she has made many bad choices in her life but I also know that deep down in her disconnected self she is a good person.

untitled 543

abagash — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 02:13:28 +0000

I am on the train again going south I have been doing this journey quite a bit whisking myself out of my dieing working class town into the mountains where things seem alive for me at the moment. The love flows like a warm sticky mass of good juju through us encircling us with its tendrils. We are quite powerless to stop this love. I am flying and diving toward the ground with no fear. The warmth will cushion my fall like a warm updraft before I should be a sticky array of bones, blood and flesh in a splattered mess.
I am working hard on making films with young people. Things are progressing well and we should make some grand advances on the film for council, which is almost finished. Yesterday I started planning a classic style slasher film with some young people the average age was 13. Cool as fuck they are a great bunch of youngins and I am sure are destined for greatness.
The sky has turned orange and I wish days where longer and I could hold you all closer. I want this all to last forever but feel strangely melancholy like one day we will all die and it will end so suddenly. So I guess the thing for me at the moment it is about making the most of it. Life that is.

1.    Love
2.    Make and enjoy films
3.    Appreciate the amazing people around you
4.    Become my own self help guru
5.    wtf

abagash — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 02:36:23 +0000

Oh my phlegm abounds in spades cascading from me as if I was a fountain in disrepair. I have not written in this style for a few months. Time has been ticking for my typing fingers grown brittle and weak.

Life has been amazing at the moment the spring is leaving flowers at my door in large heaps. I seem to have been given a job, a job I sort of fell into through my passions like Alice and the rabbit hole. It is a strange landscape of smiling jovial people.

My heart grows warm and my strength is renewed when I think of the lady of my heart. How does one express the glowing radiance that is us our hearts locked, breath shared and sheathed in a film of red light. I love our journeys into each other’s minds digging for how the hell we got here. I love her and all her adornments.

Life is truly dandy and I will try to write again soon.

abagash — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:01:39 +0000

I have been lying down so much of late. I kinda which my sides would grow legs and I could slink around the house.
I really need to get out and walk in the sunshine, take photos and finish thing I started long ago.
I had a great meeting with my boss on Friday. They agreed to pay me the money they owe me, which I am stoked about.
Lots of my days are spent living virtually whether just typing to friends on IM or talking on stickam or blogging or hanging in virtual worlds.
I need to get out more even if it is just to have new stories for this blog or photos