It takes so long to forget the past and a lifetime to contemplate the future. Life sometimes feels so pointless just a cavalcade of disappointments. If you pick over the bones of your past you will find many hidden gems. Many would advise against this as it might bring about self-awareness and sadness for the mistakes and losses that have befallen you.
With the swivel of ones head, One sees that not knowing of the future is what will keep us on our toes or will knock us on our arses. If we knew the terror, the grotesque nature of our future would we go on?
But really at this point I am quite happy with both my past, present and future.
Sure there has been sadness, loss and betrayal in my past but whether self made or thrust upon me it has all seemed to conspire to make me who I am today.
The future seems it will be so dandy and well-lit one must wear tinted spectacles.
What a year it seems like it has contained many decades. It is our anniversary today or kind of was yesterday but I started writing this at springwood as I travel toward you. I am so much in love with you. I am listening to “I’ve never been to me.” (Charlene circa 1976) It makes me think of the time we spent huddled together on central station your hand swelling and our hearts swelling, intertwined and giggling.
We are amazing, well particularly you. You have a great strength and such a loving nature that you make me melt like the proverbial icy pole on the hot summer concrete of my passion for you.
We have learnt so much about each other and it makes my so at home in your arms and your heart. Please never stop being amazing
Here I am in the mountains filling my belly with beans and wine. A deadly burst I am sure will be ensuing. I am warm and well loved listening to the john Spencer blues explosion (orange – 1994). Well now the scene is painted as to where I write from, lets get down to brass tacks.
Where the fuck have I been?
Life has been quite hectic being evicted twice in four months. Which is BALLS I wrote a rant a bit about it on the “We love hate” blog so I wont go on about it much. It is done now so it is all water under the bridge. The hope is life will be more stable and fruitful.
I have the love of a loveliest woman in the world. I sure some many may contest this but until you have met this fine woman you are not equipped to argue my point. Assure you (with my best used car sales man grin) she is all THAT.
Impending fatherhood is exciting and slightly scary. I start birthing classes next week. I am sure it will be like baby boot camp. Drill sergeant and all unfortunately it is not a hospital where nuns bark orders but I can dream cant I?
I have been working with my pals dactyl spondee on a new web series check the test scene below.
And here is some of my rambling about going offline for a little while.
So I am going to be a father, which is great news, but my story today concerns what happened when I told my mum this news.
So I am on a train with my mum on our way to my aunty Val’s 69th birthday. I am quite a private person when it comes to my family. I consider my private life my personal business and none of their concern but this was a little bigger news and would impact on my mother’s life in a good way or so I thought. So I pluck up the courage to tell her “jade is pregnant.” She scrunches up her nose and sighs and asks me what am I going to do about it. Like she wants me to get rid of it or something. I tell her calmly “ I am going to be a father.” Then she starts going on about my sister and how she is preparing to have a child as if to avoid my statement. She has no excitement about what I said at all. This is such a slap in the face to me from a woman that walked out of my life when I was six and never gave me any encouragement in my life to pursue the things I love. My mum is cut off in the inky blackness.
I am not sure how to deal with this. Obviously she has a lot of guilt over abandoning all three of her children. With me she left when I was six to live with her boyfriend leaving me in the clutches of my father who turned out to be a sexual predator and cold and icy with no love for me the burden left on him.
After I had left the party to head up the mountains home she exclaimed to my sister. “I don’t know why you love me.”
Now this is an interesting statement. When I tell people the story of my parents they are amazed at the selfish behaviour on my mums part and the sheer evil of my father. I think my love for my mom is not one of motherly love it is really a love of friendship that we discovered much later. My mother never talks of the past, never quips of her childhood. we only ever talk of the present and politics and local issues in our area. It as if the past never existed and we are living in a vacuum.
So I am not sure whether my mother wants to be part of my child’s life at all. I feel cold and alone like I have been abandoned again to deal with my life. I have always had to make my own paths before with much help from my family of friends so I guess me and jade will make our way through this and I hope my mum will get some help to deal with all her guilt because I know that she has made many bad choices in her life but I also know that deep down in her disconnected self she is a good person.
I am on the train again going south I have been doing this journey quite a bit whisking myself out of my dieing working class town into the mountains where things seem alive for me at the moment. The love flows like a warm sticky mass of good juju through us encircling us with its tendrils. We are quite powerless to stop this love. I am flying and diving toward the ground with no fear. The warmth will cushion my fall like a warm updraft before I should be a sticky array of bones, blood and flesh in a splattered mess.
I am working hard on making films with young people. Things are progressing well and we should make some grand advances on the film for council, which is almost finished. Yesterday I started planning a classic style slasher film with some young people the average age was 13. Cool as fuck they are a great bunch of youngins and I am sure are destined for greatness.
The sky has turned orange and I wish days where longer and I could hold you all closer. I want this all to last forever but feel strangely melancholy like one day we will all die and it will end so suddenly. So I guess the thing for me at the moment it is about making the most of it. Life that is.
1. Love
2. Make and enjoy films
3. Appreciate the amazing people around you
4. Become my own self help guru
5. wtf
Oh my phlegm abounds in spades cascading from me as if I was a fountain in disrepair. I have not written in this style for a few months. Time has been ticking for my typing fingers grown brittle and weak.
Life has been amazing at the moment the spring is leaving flowers at my door in large heaps. I seem to have been given a job, a job I sort of fell into through my passions like Alice and the rabbit hole. It is a strange landscape of smiling jovial people.
My heart grows warm and my strength is renewed when I think of the lady of my heart. How does one express the glowing radiance that is us our hearts locked, breath shared and sheathed in a film of red light. I love our journeys into each other’s minds digging for how the hell we got here. I love her and all her adornments.
Life is truly dandy and I will try to write again soon.
I have been lying down so much of late. I kinda which my sides would grow legs and I could slink around the house.
I really need to get out and walk in the sunshine, take photos and finish thing I started long ago.
I had a great meeting with my boss on Friday. They agreed to pay me the money they owe me, which I am stoked about.
Lots of my days are spent living virtually whether just typing to friends on IM or talking on stickam or blogging or hanging in virtual worlds.
I need to get out more even if it is just to have new stories for this blog or photos
So what does one do to stop carbon emissions? Turn off the light, drive less, think about using the “other nuclear” solar or maybe just maybe stop a train carrying 20 thousands tons of coal. Well just this weekend gone I attended the climate camp action to stop trains carrying coal into the largest coal exporting port in the world.
This action was the culmination of a week of workshops held about the environment with many workshops talking about the effects of coal globally and also locally in my hometown of Newcastle.
It all started with much color marching from Islington Park to the Carrington coal loader. There were an amazing number of cops present (I was later to find out there was 160 including mounted and riot squads) they approached me in the park worried about the metal brace I had strapped to my arm to aid me in keeping my video camera steady. I explained and they fucked off back to their line. The march began and the color and the spirits where high. I read in the Newcastle herald the next day that the drums were menacing I am not sure were what fucking planet that reporter was from she also claimed it all went sour when people sat down in front of police. What really happened was people sat down for a five-minute silence to reflect and lament about the place our planet is in at the moment. I dare to say the reporter was never at the rally.
Then it was on. time for direct action I am not sure there was any need because the police had already occupied the rail corridor making sure there where no trains coming and going. Just one solitary 40-carriage coal train stood there laden with coal. The target was set and many people scaled fences to get to it. Some to lock on some to stand on the trucks and shovel the coal out with their bare hands.
It was a great day, a great out come. The coal industry and the government put on notice that people are not going to sit idly by and watch our planet die for corporate greed when we can use our brains and our technology to come up with alternatives that could save our civilization.
Last week I was cleaning, sorting, moving from room to room. I think I almost touched every piece of paper I own to see if I needed it. Most I kept but the highlight of the sorting was going through a whole mother load of photos. I found so many great photos but as my good friend jadey posted a homage to herself through the ages. I thought I would post it over here on the blog. so enjoy!
So the day wafted forth a little bit less sour. Last night had been made so much better by the band the perrytree they made me chuckle and also swim in my awe of their greatness. With the new album title “Aaron from the Torah!” they made me realize some times amazing things just explode into your life. The perrytree are a lofi art rock duo that can do no wrong. Go download their album for free. And fall in love.
Other amazing things popped out of the woodwork creative people just rock my world and what would I do without their love and light to bring a broader picture to the world.
What would we do without art? Would be pretty dull place if ya ask me. My friend jadey has been a great help. I thank her amazing self for dealing with me on my simmering raw ride into a brighter day. What would a recluse do without such great friends? I’ll leave you today with a song by my good friends jade (not to be confused with the above mentioned jadey.) and Steve who make up a group I call “wasted octopus”. So enjoy the sunshine and be kind to yourselves. You only get one shot at life make the most of it. (Can ya tell I just watched fame?)
